A "human wife mode" minute

Since everything has happened, I've been in nurse mode.  I know who I am there and I'm comfortable there.  It makes it easier to explain to people what's going on when they ask questions, although very few people know.  I feel stronger here.  I don't think I've broken down once since Al's diagnosis.  Why bother?  What good does it do anyone to be a blubbering mess?  Then they feel sorry for you and I don't want pity.  It's not me that it's happening to!  

I haven't really talked to a lot of people about it either because that's just who I am.  I don't like to talk about things that are sad or depressing.  I like to focus on the positives and make the information that we do have work for us, not worry needlessly about the "what ifs" and "if onlys."  That's just how I roll. :-P  I almost shut down when we start talking about this situation with Al's family.  I guess it's part of how I cope.  Unfortunately, I've been coping by eating large quantities of chocolate as well.  Not good.  This totally happened:

I don't know why I am the way I am.  I've always been very independent, keeping to myself, wanting to take care of things along, do things my way.  My mom was so insulted when I finally told them because I didn't lean on them sooner.  "You don't lean on us for anything!" she cried, exasperated.  No, mom, I really don't lean on anyone except Al.  He's my rock and we are a team.  

In any case, I went back to work on Saturday for the first time in almost two weeks.  I was fine driving in and getting my stuff together but when it came time to take report from the previous nurse, something came over me.  I didn't want to be there.  I didn't want to be anywhere but with Al.  I started to get choked up and tear up and my sweet coworker asked if I was ok.  I nodded mutely and she said "Riiiight, come on, let's go in the back" where she proceeded to give me a hug and accepted my response that I didn't want to talk about it without question.

Later that night I got a text from my friend (who also knows about our situation):

Jen: "How ya doin cheeriest girl in the world?"

Me: "Lol I'm OK...almost broke down at work for no reason at all! :-P"

Jen: "Ummmmm no reason?? Silly girl.  You went into nurse mode.  And then had a human wife mode minute. You are allowed those you know"

Me: "Oh, I like that take on it!"

That was my first "human wife mode" instance.  I know there will be many more to come.  Al knows it's not me just trying to be strong for him.  He's strong and together we are a force to be reckoned with.  I'll be strong for him when the time comes but for now, we are just being ourselves.  We talk all the time and both understand the importance of keeping open communication during all this.  Not once have I kept something in that I thought would upset him the same way that he doesn't sugar coat something he thinks I need to hear.  Like that I've gained weight. :-P